Saturday, February 12
i don't know what the hell i'm doing. i should just drop hist. i know nuts about the cold war and all that shit, how am i supposed to do all those essays? who was i kidding, i can't do this. what the hell is a girl like me doing in a place like this? i should be doing science. i was brought up to do science. all that bioinformatics shit, we learnt a level bio at fifteen! shit shit shit what the hell am i doing. i want out. staring at all the books and papers. i don't have the time to read them even if i wanted to. i was supposed to do it over the hols but i was too busy having fun. now i'm drowning and the only way out is to drop hist. maybe cross over to science, take a science, lit econs and math. i don't know if that's allowed. i'm such a loser. i can't even do the cold war. shit shit shit. i'm reaching for my blade and you aren't even here to stop me anymore. you aren't here with me. you can't stop me. you don't even care. you probably can't remember having ever cared about me. you probably can't remember your promises. you promised to be there when i needed you. you tried to stop me. you used to be able to. but then everything went all wrong and now we are nothing to each other.. you don't know what i'm about to do, you won't ever know.. i can't tell you and i don't want to cos you'll never care.. maybe you never cared about me. i don't know. i want to hate you but it's unfair, no one ever asked for this. i'm so tired. i think i'll go back to sleep. the scars don't heal.. i scar and bruise easily and then they don't heal.. i'm still wearing the scars from long ago.. all of them.. a story on my skin. damnit. i thought i was past this. but i'm not. i can't even do the cold war. what is a girl like me doing in a place like this.. i want to cut me away from me. i want to let all this go and sleep forevermore. i'm so tired.
i should never be allowed to pick up my own phone calls. i've just agreed to play on sunday for open sunday. what the shit. juggling too many balls, everything's gonna give. i don't want anything to do with the church. i'm a lousy christian. i'm so tired. i think God doesn't care about me anymore. my parents don't understand. i'm so tired. they tell me to take vit c. they don't want to bring me back to the neurosurgen. i tell you, i know myself. i know it's flaring up again. i know i need my medication. maybe i'm feeling so shit about history and life in general because of it. anxiety and depression. i need to stop the aches and pain and take away the tiredness. they just tell me to eat right. i don't want to eat anymore. it's too tiring. i wanna stop living. it hurts too much. i think i'll go to sleep now.
my buddies, i love you. monday's coming.. hwk's due, nothing's done, i wanna sink through the ground and fade away into nothing.. but monday's coming and i'm gonna see you soon.. and everything's gonna be all right cos you always make me feel like i can face another week. you're the best buddies in the world. fly high my baby bird, my angel, my only.
it must've been love.
2:56 pm
xoxo
